Battle of the Bulges

A couple weeks back, my Beloved and I were emptying some items from the back of my car. I was in front of him, and he remarked offhandedly:  “You should probably invest in a bra that fits.” I was too busy with other things to waste time being upset by his observation, but in the ensuing days, the remark has resurfaced in my memory.

On reflection, my response might have been something like:  “Aren’t you glad you don’t have to wear a harness every day of your life?” Or, “It’s supposed to be tight enough to do the job.”

Truth be told, once I looked in the mirror (from the possible angle he would have had), I had to cede his point. My Victoria’s Secret undergarment covered (and supported) the requisite areas, but there was no denying the unattractive bulges. (How would I know? When do I look at myself from the back side?)

The words “disgusting tub of lard (DTOL)” are hardly complimentary for anyone, least of all when one thinks of one’s self. While I don’t fill my chair like the cartoon woman above, my bra is (admittedly) almost as poorly fitted. Further, I acknowledge my problem isn’t just the result of a poorly fitting undergarment. Some aggressive personal action is in order:  regular exercise, better eating habits, etc. (No, I’m not considering liposuction or a backlift … never heard of that before, but apparently it’s a popular option.)

In the short term, though, my challenge yesterday was to locate a properly fitted bra … and after a half-day trek to most of the intimate apparel vendors in my town … trying on bra after bra after bra after bra after bra … I realized this task is beyond me.

Whether it’s in the stores or online, bra-makers produce hundreds of models and offer plenty of gimmicks. The manufacturers would have you believe their newest designs will “smooth” the back bulges, uplift your minimal assets or “minimize” your maximum assets, and even if you’re a 44DDDD, they promise their bra will make you look ultra-sexy. (If you believe that nonsense, who am I to say otherwise?)

Where, oh where is the bra that is (1) comfortable, (2) with adequate support. (3) wide straps, (4) wide side/back panels, (5) doesn’t ride up and (6) includes a front closure (preferably)?

Experience tells me there isn’t one. Don’t suggest “sports bra” because I have yet to find a sports bra that works for me. Maybe I’m built differently, but more often than not, the back straps (that should rest comfortably on the shoulders) crowd my neck until I feel like I’m strangling! Yuck!

Have you noticed I haven’t even mentioned the exorbitant prices for said undergarments??! Why would I consent to pay $60, $80, $100 for a torture device? (Perhaps if it met my six aforementioned standards, I’d gladly pay the price.)

So, here I am, resolved to shed the DTOL label and take a more healthy approach to my life. I can fight (and I’m hopeful, conquer) this battle of the bulge. In the meantime, I suppose I shall just have to take extra caution in not exposing my back side to easy scrutiny. If you observe me hugging the walls, you’ll understand why.

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